I thought I might be pregnant. When I found out that I wasn’t, I ate peach cobbler for breakfast. It was just sitting there, innocently, on the counter in the new red Le Creuset baking dish I had just bought for this exact dessert. I lifted the foil, slightly pretending I didn’t know what would be hiding underneath it. And then, like magic, there it was. Soft, supple, gooey peach slices, brilliantly shining in their bright orange hue, peaking out from underneath pillowy biscuits glistening with caramelized sugar—all of it half eaten from the dinner party we had a few nights earlier. Tucking into this beauty was exactly what I needed. 

I know it’s absurd to think I might be pregnant. I’m 46. I’ve had three miscarriages, 2 rounds of failed IVF, 4 rounds of IUI, countless herbs and acupuncture appointments, and many, many therapy sessions. My eggs are done. It’s been more than a year since we completed our second IVF session, when a few eggs fertilized but none lasted the six days needed before testing. Even though my brain knew then that my body was done, my heart still hadn’t given up. Every month I would think, “There’s hope. Maybe I’m finally ready. Maybe all the stars aligned this month and our miracle rainbow baby will finally get her start.” Nada. Nothing. Just a lot of sadness and gradually decreasing levels of hope. We’ve been on a waitlist for a donor embryo for nine months. Every month I’m told that there has been no movement on the list. My (now third) fertility doctor has told me in no uncertain terms that I have a less than 1% chance of conceiving with my eggs. My body is getting older, larger, droopier, more tired. But still I thought I could beat the odds and make magic happen. 

This time is different, though. I’m not sure why, but it feels quite final. It feels like the gig is up and I should stop fooling myself. It feels like I should move on—it feels like I NEED to move on. Maybe now my heart will listen to my body and spare me these countless waves of disappointment, heartbreak, and torment. Maybe now I need to focus on finding gratitude for what I DO have and move away from the feelings of regret about what I don’t. Maybe my type A, overachieving personality needs to accept that I can’t put everything I have (and then some) into this and will it to happen. Life’s just not like that. Maybe I need to eat more peach cobbler and just be happy. If only it were that simple.

To those of you struggling with this, too, or something similar—I see you. I feel you. You’re not alone, although it probably feels like that most of the time. I know it does for me. Maybe our combined strength can help us on this journey. Or at least thinking that it can will give me back a little bit of that hope I’m going to move on from now. While I eat peach cobbler. Smothered in ice cream.

Vanilla ice cream, for serving (optional)

To make the cobbler dough, in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, mix together flour, granulated sugar, baking powder, and salt on medium speed until combined. Add butter pieces and mix until flour resembles course meal. Add the 2/3 cup heavy cream and mix until dough starts to come together. 

Turn dough onto a lightly-floured work surface and gently pat it together. Dust a small baking sheet lightly with flour. Use an ice cream scoop to form dough into about 2-inch size balls and place on prepared baking sheet. (You should have about 8 to 10.) Flatten balls slightly into thick rounds. Cover sheet with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 20 minutes or up to 2 hours. 

Preheat oven to 350°F.

While the dough is chilling, prepare the filling. Combine the peaches, granulated sugar, and cornstarch in a medium bowl and stir until peaches are covered evenly with the dry ingredients. Add vanilla and rose water, if using, and stir gently to combine. Let sit for about 15 minutes.

Transfer filling into a 2 1/2 quart baking dish (I like this pretty one from Le Creuset). Arrange biscuit rounds evenly on top, leaving about 1 inch between them. Brush biscuits with remaining 1 tablespoon heavy cream and sprinkle with raw sugar.

Bake until filling is bubbling and biscuits are golden brown, 40 to 50 minutes. 

Transfer to a cooling rack and cool completely, or until just slightly warm. Serve with ice cream, if desired. 

*BAKER’S NOTE: You can use almost any fruit for this cobbler. Claudia’s recipe calls for rhubarb, but since that has such a short growing season, I’ve been experimenting with other fruits. The rose water isn’t essential but adds a nice floral note to the fruit.